it’s time to be personal. very. but i need to reach out perhaps to help myself or help others or just get this out of my system.
from the outside, today will be one of the worst days of my life. it’s been a year and a half since i’ve graduated college and i’ve struggled with jobs, internships, overtime, countless days and nights to stay strong, positive, and forward. the amount of student loan debt i have is more than someone with a doctor’s degree. how did i get here? part of me is sure and part of me isn’t. if it were not for the loans though, i would have never of had my college education, my time in france, or my internship with ugly betty which lead to other film jobs, i would have never of known this independence, or strength, or the people i call friends and family.
i don’t regret taking out my student loans for my education for a single second.
with that said, i can’t pay my loans. a lot of factors go into it and i’ve reached out and borrowed from people and did everything i could have done, but it is physically and mentally impossible for me to pay my full monthly loan amount. so today one of my loans will default. this is a terrible and unfortunate situation that no one wants to experience, and though i know that thousands of kids out there are going through this, it still seems like i’m the only one.
i am trying to pay what i can on other loans, and keep them up, but i can only do so much. so from both the outside and inside, i could be doing a lot better. this is going to effect me physically and mentally for several, several, several years.
but the ending point is this…
i have clothes on my back, food in my fridge, a roof over my head, and an education. so even though i myself feel like i can’t go any lower than this, i suppose i can. i’ve reached my tipping point. today is only today, and tomorrow is only tomorrow. we do what we can and some days our bodies are physically too tired to do anymore, and there is no harm or shame in this. yet some days we have the inspiration and motivation to make up for those down days.
so today i’m going to go into work. yes i have a job. a job that supports me in the way that it can. i’m just going to keep on working, and keep on smiling, and keep on trying to think positive- because nothing else can be done at this moment. and one day, supposedly far off, but one day- this will dissolve.
i believe in myself. and perhaps that’s selfish, overachieving, or too far fetched. but i have to believe in myself to keep going.
so now i’m going to breathe, clear my head, and handle life as i can.
(photo via ici)